The Masses Are Asses
The Masses Are Asses
by Pedro Pietri
The Masses are Asses is a one-act play that takes place in a fancy restaurant or an empty apartment. The time is sometime last week.
The title of the this play is original regardless of how many times the title has been used before. Any resemblance to the masses living or dead is purely coincidental.
Characters:
LADY ~ 30 or 93
GENT ~ 93 or 30
In the middle of this empty apartment or fancy restaurant there is a small round table covered with a white table cloth & 2 chairs. At the center of the table there is a lit blue candle in a candle holder. There’s a bottle of champagne, a rose in a jar, two drinking glasses, silverware, napkins & two menus on the table. To the far right of the table against the back grayish wall there is a toilet with water tan overhead & a chain hanging down from the tank to flush the toilet. A roll of toilet paper is on the floor close by. To the far left of the table inbetween the table & the wall there is a bathtub. The door is against the back wall inbetween the toilet & table. There are no windows. A square shaped mirror hangs on the wall above facing the bathtub. The lights are low for the time being.
Snobbish throat clearing is heard for the first 10 seconds. Knocking on the door is heard for the next 11 seconds. Snobish throat clearing resumes for another 12 seconds. The telephone rings for the next 13 seconds. Snobbish throat clearing resumes for 14 seconds. The lights slowly get brighter. Voices of a LADY & GENT are heard.
GENT: Hurry up dear, our reservation is for eight & it’s a qauarter to, already.
LADY: I’ll be through in a minute darling, I’m putting on my make up.
Snobbish throat clearing resumes for the next 15 seconds.
GENT: We’ll never get there on time at the rate you are going. We should have been on our way over there by now.
LADY: So we get there late, so what, the restaurant isn’t going anywhere.
GENT: This is Paris not Paramus! If you make reservations for a certain time at a fancy restaurant you must be on time or you will lose the reservation.
LADY: What is the name of the restaurant?
GENT: La Plume De Ma Tante.
LADY: What does that mean in English?
Snobbish throat clearing resumes for the next 15 seconds. A well dressed LADY & GENT rise from inside the bath tub, they climb out, hold hands, & walk over the table. He pulls out a chair for her to sit. He sits on the other chair. They smile at each other. Clear their throats (snobbishly) as they read menus for the next 17 seconds. The put the menus down & stare at each other for 18 seconds.
GENT: You look terrific.
LADY: You look fantastic.
GENT: You look gorgeous.
LADY: You look marvelous.
GENT: You look so exciting!
LADY: You look demanding…
GENT: You look outstanding.
LADY: Shall we order?
GENT: No, not just yet.
LADY: [smiles at her GENT] You look so official.
GENT: You look too legitimate.
LADY: You look important.
GENT: You look interesting.
LADY: You look uptodate.
GENT: You look futuristic.
LADY: You look futuristicker.
GENT: Shall we order.
LADY: Not just yet.
The telephone rings. They remain silent until the phone stops ringing after the 10th ring.
GENT: You look superb.
LADY: You look superber.
GENT: You look astonishing.
LADY: You look astonishingshinger.
GENT: You look just great.
LADY: You look just greater.
GENT: Let’s order.
LADY: Yes, let’s order.
GENT: No, not just yet.
Loud knocking is heard. The LADY & her GENT remain silent until the knocking stops 19 seconds later.
LADY: Okay, then later.
GENT: You look majestic.
LADY: You look majestica.
GENT: You look magnificent.
LADY: You look unquestionable.
GENT: You look memorable.
LADY: Let’s order now.
GENT: Yes, let’s, but before we do there is something very important that I have to say to you.
LADY: What is it?
GENT: You look wonderful.
LADY: You look wonderfuller.
GENT: You look absolutely amazing.
LADY: You look absolutely fascinazing.
GENT: You look spontaneous.
LADY: You look instantaneous.
GENT: You look eternally fine.
LADY: You look eternally finer.
GENT: You look desirable & admirable.
LADY: You look admirable & desirable.
Phone rings & loud knocking is heard for 19 seconds.
LADY: Let’s order.
GENT: I don’t feel like it.
LADY: Why not?
GENT: I just want to observe you.
LADY: Why, thank you very much.
GENT: You look flabbergasting everlasting.
LADY: You look everlastinger flabberhgastinger.
GENT: You always look astounding.
LADY: You always look astoundinger.
Phone rings. They remain silent. It stops after 10th ring.
GENT: [whispering] I have a nice surprise for you.
LADY: [also whispering] You do?
GENT: [still whispering] Yes I do.
LADY: [still whispering] Is it expensive?
GENT: [still whispering] It’s more precious than gold.
LADY: [still whispering] Nothing is more precious than gold.
GENT: [still whispering] What I have for you is.
LADY: [still whispering] I give up, what is it?
GENT: [still whispering] I have been secretly taping all the compliments we have exchanged.
LADY: [still whispering] You have? Oh, how exciting!
GENT: [still whispering] Let’s listen to it.
LADY: [still whispering] By all means!
GENT: [still whispering] Okay, I’ll turn on the recorder.
THE GENT brings out a small cassette from a pocket inside his suit jacket & turns it on. The recording is heard loud & clear:
— You look terrific.
— You look fantastic.
— You look gorgeous.
— You look marvelous.
— You look exciting.
— You look demanding.
— You look outstanding.
LADY: Oh, how extremely exciting!
GENT: [turns off tape] We sound intellectually romantic. Let’s drink to the sound of our voices!
LADY: Oh yes, let us drink to that.
GENT: [removes cork from bottle, pours his LADY a drink, then pours himself one.] To the romantic voices we proudly possess!
They make a toast & drink.
LADY: Please put the tape back on so we can continue listening to our interesting voices.
GENT: Absolutely, by all means. Listening to our voices is the most exciting event of my life. You know what? I am going to mail this tape to our friends in New York City so they can hear what a wonderful time we are having on our vacation in Europe. Oh they are going to be so envious of us when they hear this tape.
Turns on the machine.
LADY: Yes, that is a terrific ide.a
They toast & drink again.
— You look official.
— You look legitimate.
— You look important.
— You look interesting.
— You look uptodate.
— You look futuristic.
— You look futuristicker.
— You look superb.
— You look superbler.
Gunshots are heard. They both hide under the table. The recorder remains on as the firing continues. Police sirens are heard.
— You look superb.
— You look superbler.
— You look astonishing.
— You look indestructable.
— You look just great.
— You look jsut greater.
— You look majestic.
— You look majestica.
— You look magnificent.
Tape malfunctions, keep repeatng line: YOU LOOK MAGNIFICENT! Firing & siren stops after 20 seconds. LADY & GENT cautiously rise, & sit down. GENT turns off tape recorder.
GENT: [wiping sweat off his forehead] That must be the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. terrorist group.
LADY: [surprised] In Paris?
GENT: Yes, they are an international terrorist group.
LADY: What does A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. stand for?
GENT: Let’s make sure the coast is clear before i divulge that information to you.
They look in every direction to make sure the coast is clear.
LADY: The coast is clear. What does it stand for?
GENT: Armed Brave Comrades Determined Efficient Fighters Gonna Humiliate Imperialism!
LADY: Such utter nonsense. Don’t they ever learn that the ruling class shall continue to rule regardless of who decalres war against us. Our Armies & Navies & Air Forces are as you will say before & after dinner: In… In… In… [sneezes]
GENT: INVINCIBLE! And the sooner those savages can start planning for the future of their existence. WE, the now & forever & ever Ruling Classes possess the most advanced sophisticated deadly lethal weapons to wipe out whatever inferiorly armed opposition group of idealistic scatterbrains challenges our godly belief in global politicl domination by any ungodly means necessary!
LADY: Such utter nonsense, these violent means of their bring about change. Spare change to the city morgue is all their uncivilized tactics are going to bring those unsanitary radicals. They shoudl take a bath & get a haircut & a shave, so some decent democratic empoyment agency can find them a full-time patriotic job, my god!
GENT: Our flawless system is too organized & wise to be destabalized. Let’s drink to what I just said…. [pours them both a drink, they toast & drink up]… The poor people are just going to have to stay poor because the rich folks like us have all legitimate intentions of maintaining our prestigious & advantageous standard of living. If the good lord wanted everybody to be rich he would have made everybody rich, but since that wasn’t the case because god isn’t as dumb as some people will want him to be, he made some of us rich & most of them poor. God knows socialism is an unworkable system.
LADY: A-men!
GENT: I thank god everyday of my higher standards of living for giving me plenty to be thankful for. I guess if I was poor I would also have to be thankful for being poor, but somebody up there likes me, so I have nothing to worry about. Yes, I do think that the reason poor people are poor is because god doesn’t think too highly of them. So, let us make a toast to the holy ghost for making a wise decision & giving us this day not only our daily bread, but also the company that bakes it.
Refills glasses, they toast & drink.
LADY: Imagine having to work for a living instead of having others work for your living? Oh, how absolutely degrading! Just the mere thought of it sends chills down my upper class spine.
GENT: [He refills the glass. They will toast & drink after every statement they make praising the ruling class.] Long live the ruling classes!
LADY: God bless the very rich always & forever!
GENT: Give me prosperity or give me death!
LADY: Give me a mink, expensive jewelry, & another mink!
GENT: Long live Monarchy! Long live our Mansion! Long live our long limosine!
LADY: Long live our Maid, Butler, & Chauffeur!
GENT: [Refills glasses.] The Masses are Asses!
LADY: Hey, that rhymes! [They toast & drink.]
GENT: Masses has always rhymed with asses!
LADY: And gasses. Get it? Masses Asses Gases!
GENT: The gases that come out of the masses asses smells like molasses.
LADY: Hey that was unique… [They toast & drink] The ruling classes never passes gasses that smell like the molasses of the masses’ gasses!
GENT: Superb! …[refills glasses. They toast & drink.] The masses whose gasses smell like molasses because they are asses will be never drink champagne in the expensive glasses of the ruling classes!
LADY: Terrific. You are a genius with masses as well as asses.
GENT: Well of course. After all I was the one who coined the phrase: The Masses Are Asses! Why? Because the masses are really asses exploited by the ruling classes with their military brasses & expensive champagne glasses because the gasses that passes from the asses of the masses not only smell like molasses it also stinks of perkasses!
LADY: Perkasses? What does that mean?
GENT: I don’t know. But as long as it rhymes with masses & asses it doesn’t really matter what it means. [They toast & drink.]
LADY: Before you added the word asses to masses, what did the ruling classes call the masses?
GENT: Assholes. But that didn’t rhyme, & it sounded too lower classish, so I changed it to asses when refering to the masses to give the ass class. [They toast & drink.]
LADY: Arm struggle… ha ha ha… it makes as much sense as believing that god doesn’t exist.
GENT: When you come to think of it, arm struggle rhymes with water bubbles. And you know what happens to water bubbles after the struggle to become bubbles? They burst & disintegrate. Therefor any struggle that rhymes with water bubbles just doubles your troubles. Let’s make a toast to that statement.
He gets up & refills the bottle with water from the bathtub faucet. They toast & drink. The phone is heard ringing.
LADY: The phone keeps ringing in this fancy restaurant.
GENT: Those are millionaires calling up to make reservations. You don’t just walk into this high class establishment out of the cold & expect to be accomodated. People make reservations weeks in advance to eat among the elite. But, because of my wealth & influences & verbal capacity with bureaucracy I was accommodated the same day that I made the reservation. Yes, it pays to be rich, you don’t have to wait or wish for anything!
LADY: I’ll drink to that.
The phone stops ringing.
GENT: Let’s wait until I say something really clever to toast to. Too much expensive champagne on an empty stomach can have unimpressive social consequences.
LADY: True, it will be contradictory to our high standards & higher moral values to be seen stoned in public.
GENT: My dear, only poor people get stoned. The proper word to utter when an aristocrat overindulges is:: Tipsy! Stoned is a ghetto adjective.
LADY: Let’s order now, darling, I’m very hungry.
GENT: Okay, but before we do order, let’s continue bad mouthing poor people just a little longer, it makes the ingestion a more exciting event. The more I badmouth the poor the better I eat. I’ll try not to be too witty so we don’t have to toast to almost everything I say. Though at times, I dare admit, it’s beyond my control not to make clever statements.
LADY: That is why I find you so interesting.
GENT: That is why I am so interesting. Who else but I will come up with the brilliant idea of secretly taping the highlights of our vacation? Nobody, absolutely nobody that you or I or any of our influential associates can think of.
LADY: Meeting you has ben a rewarding experience.
GENT: Yes my dear, that is quite true, if i say so myself, & why shouldn’t I? Modesty is a tradition of the masses which we have both agreed are nothing but…
A loud explosion is heard, knocking them both off their seats. The lights blink on & off rapidly. Police sirens are heard for 30 seconds. The LADY & GENT are under the table. They snobbishly clear their throats as they cautiously rise.
GENT: Are you okay, my dear???
LADY: Yes. And yourself???
GENT: I’m fine… [They both sit down. Refills glasses] …The A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. is upgrading their terrorist tactics. They have gone from bullets to bombs…. [They both drink up. He refills glasses] …If those lunatics aren’t stopped, next it will be ballistic missiles on their agenda of aggression against us.
LADY: My God, what mental retards they are! Everyone else but them seem to know they are fighting a losing battle… [They both drink up in one gulp.]
GENT: If only they stp being so violent & educate themselves they will learn that history repeats itself. In all the glorious wars mankind has experienced, the masses have never once been victorious. All rebellions & insurrections have been crushed, directly or indirectly, & that is the way the world is going to be, always. True, there are some countries that give you the impression of functioning under a socialist political apparatus, but the truth of the matter is that those governments are fabricated & subsidized by almighty capitalistic regimes with the means & the might to dismantle them. There are still Czars in the USSR.
LADY: You know something? And may the good lord forgive me for what I am about to say…
GENT: [interrupting] As long as you ask for forgiveness first you can say anything that’s on your mind.
LADY: I personally think that the only solution for poor people is suicide, since overthrowing us is out of the question & history will continue to prove it. I know it sounds inhuman but what else is there for people whose only ambition in life is to be totally miserable? This is a democratic society. If you make the decision to be rich you will be rich & if you make the decision to be poor you will be poor!
GENT: That was duperbly said, my dear… [They toast & drink.] …Their depravity is their own fault, not ours. To begin with poor people are so divided that it becomes impossible for them to improve themselves. They always want what the next person has without making an effort to obtain it themselves, right? Of course I’m right. Poor people are the biggest backstabbers on the face of the earth. They are always bad mouthing each other. Now a rich person will never criticize another rich person behind his or her back, right?
LADY: Of course you are right.
GENT: The rich respects the rich & the poor despises the poor!
LADY: May the good lord forgive me again & again, but I truly believe suicide is the best solution for them. Or deportation to a socialist society where everything is free. True, freedom of expression is prohibited, but it won’t be so bad for them because they can’t express themselves anyhow.
GENT: That is a good solution but not perfect. If we get rid of every single one of them, that will also include our maid & butler & chauffeur! I am not going to serve myself or drive my own Lincoln Continental limosine… [refills glasses]
LADY: True darling, you do have a point there. There servants of the rich should be spared. But under the conditions that they be sterilized after their 2nd offspring so that overpopulation won’t reoccur… [drinks] …Oh yes, now that we are on the subject of low lifers I have a complaint to make about our Maid.
GENT: [takes a drink] What seems to be the problem with our maid, darling?
LADY: [whispers loud enough to be heard] I caught her masturbating on the job a few times already.
GENT: Hmm, I’ll deal with her when we return from Europe.
LADY: It’s not that I’m against masturbation. But she is supposed to be working, not masturbating. I know she is a maid, but her job also requires a great deal of concentration. And you know it is absolutely impossible to concentrate when you masturbate. I think she should be dismissed or be deducted everytime we apprehend her… [takes a drink] …Now take our buttler for example, he has a bad habit of scratching between his legs on the job, but it doesn’t prevent him from performing his duties properly. Our chauffeur is catatonic but he still functions on the job. True, you can scratch your balls, I mean private areas, on the job & still function, but you can’t do anything else when you paly with yourself if you’re busy playing with yourself!
GENT: Don’t worry dear, maids come a dime a dozen.
LADY: You know something? I really am starving.
GENT: [visibly upset] Lower your voice, somebody might hear you.
Gun shots are heard again. They rise & hide under the table. Police sirens are heard. Firing continues for 90 seconds.
LADY: [still under table] It seems to have stopped.
GENT: Those goddam imbeciles are out of their minds. Good for nothing idealistic bastards! When will they learn they are fighting a losing battle?
Together they cautiously rise & sit back down on the chairs.
LADY: Shall we order now?
GENT: No, not just yet. Listen, I have a terrific idea. Let’s continue listening to the recording of our voices. That always cheers us up whenever we are upset. First we’ll have another drink, then I’ll turn on the cassette.
Refills the glasses, toast & drink. He turns on the cassette.
— You look wonderful.
— You look wonderfuller.
— You look absolutey amazing.
— You look absolutey amazinger.
— You look spontaneous.
— You look instantaneous.
— You look eternally fine.
— You look eternaly finer.
GENT: Feeling better?
LADY: Yes, one hundred percent better. I’m ready to order.
GENT: [turns off tape] I have a better idea, dear. Let’s have some fun before we order. Let’s pretend we are poor people with many problems int eh world. You pretend to be an eternal factory worker earning minimum wages & i’ll pretend to be a full-time pathological street loiterer with an incorrigible drinking problem.
LADY: That is a fabulous idea. I will rather pretend to be a welfare recipient — that is less exhausting. Refill my glass first so I can get a little tipsy & starting thinking & acting & talking like a poor hopeless destitute slob.
GENT: If we are to pretend correctly we have to drink from the bottle like poor people do.
Takes a drink from the bottle & passes the bottle to her.
LADY: This is going to be fun… [drinks from the bottle] …Okay man, I’m ready to pretend I’m poor. Give me five, man… [extends her hand]
GENT: [slaps the palm of her hand in a hip manner] What’s the word?
LADY: Thunderbird.
GENT: What’s nice?
LADY: Rice!
GENT: What’s mean?
LADY: Beans!
GENT: What get’s to the point?
LADY: Loose joints.
GENT: What does harm?
LADY: Methadone!
GENT: What do we expect?
LADY: Welfare checks!
GENT: What’s in the market?
LADY: Pickpockets.
GENT: What’s real fine?
LADY: The perfect crime.
GENT: Out of sight! Give me five, baby… [she slaps the palm of his hand] …Okay baby, now let’s not only talk like them, let’s also walk like them. So baby, like rise & let’s you & I pretend like we are taking a stroll in the ghetto while we like rap.
LADY: How am I doing so far, talking like a poor slob?
GENT: Like far out & groovy, baby?
They slap each other five, rise, take a drink from the bottle & start cat walking.
GENT: Hey baby, you know how to nod?
LADY: Yeah man. I learned from the flick “Fort Apache.”
GENT: Crazy. Like let’s nod while we rap… [nods exaggeratedly] …Hey baby, like what time you gots?
LADY: [does likewise] …Like I ain’t gots the time.
GENT: Like how come you ain’t gots the time, baby?
LADY: Because my watch is in the pawnshop, man, & like I ain’t gots the bucks to like get it out anytime soon, you dig?
GENT: Yeah, I can dig, baby. Like times are extremely uncool lately & getting like worse. Like it’s a drag man, a real drag. I mean like wow, inflation ain’t groovy at all, check it out.
LADY: Yeah man, thse are definitely some uncool times. The price of inexpensive wine has also like gone sky high, check that out also, man.
GENT: Weird man, I mean like absolutely weird, baby. You know man, like I been like seriously like thinking about robbing a bank, no shit, baby. Like wow, how long can you remain down & out?
LADY: Hey man, give me five on that [he slaps her five] …like I been like digging on that idea myself, man. Give me five again, like we seem to be like thinking about the same thing, man.
GENT: [slaps her five] Yeah baby. I mean like being broke aint no joke. But as long as I can still cop my wine everything is fine, but when it becomes like impossible to cop some wine then like is time to take drastic measures, ya dig?
LADY: Yeah, like with or witout a shovel, man.
GENT: I mean like wow, you gotta cut loose with your own juice because like ain’t nobody gonna let you cut loose with their juice & like that’s the truth as far as cutting loose with somebody’s else’s juice. [drinks, passes her the bottle] …Hey baby, like was your mama also on welfare & food stamps?
LADY: Yeah man. Like not only was my mama on welfare but my mama’s mama’s mama and her mamam and her mama’s mama’s mama also was on welfare.
GENT: Like all my mamas too, baby… [slap each other five] …Hey baby, like let’s sit down, I’m getting like dizzy, dig? …[they cat walk to a table & sit down].
Gunshots are heard.
GENT: Wow, bang bang… insurrection… give me five for the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. & pass me the bottle of wine if you don’t mind.
Takes a drink, hands him the bottle, slaps him five.
LADY: Long live those guys of the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.
GENT: [Slaps her five as her takes a drink from the bottle.]
LADY: Long live those guys of the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. The A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. will never die! [Slaps him five. Takes the bottle & drinks.]
GENT: Hey man, like who are those dudes anyway? And why do these guys from the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. have to be having shoot-outs in public for? I mean like don’t those guys know innocent people could die? Like you & I, for example. Man those guys from the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. are jive!
LADY: Yeah man, like they ain’t gots no respect for human lives, and that ain’t cool at all. Wow, like later for those guys from the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.
Phone is heard ringing.
LADY: Wow, like I hear the phone ringing.
GENT: Yeah like me too, it sounds far out, man. Like i bet you it’s probably an uncool bill collector. Or somebody we like owe alotta bread to. So like let it ring, ya dig?
LADY: Yeah, I can dig it.
GENT: I mean like if we answer the phone, baby, we be depriving ourselves of that far out sight ringing… Give me five so it can keep ringing for the longest, baby.
LADY: [slaps him five] Solid. Hey cool, like is about time you pass that wine this way. Like I like to drink when I am listening to a telephone ringing.
GENT: Like me too… [takes a drink, passes her the bottle] Man, like that ringing is too much!
LADY: [Takes a drink] Like would you like to dance to the ringing?
GENT: Yeah baby, like why not? Everytime I hear the phone ringing I feel like dancing. Give me five baby… [She slaps him five] …like let’s dance.
They rise & waltz to the sound of the telephone ringing.
GENT: Man, like whoever it is aint given up easily. I hope they are like getting pissed off.
LADY: Like me too, man. I mean, wow, they should take a hint. Like either we are not here or like we just ain’t answering the phone.
GENT: Wow, that is really determination. Hey, baby, like we are supposed to be grinding. We ain’t suppose to be waltzing. Poor people don’t waltz, like they grind all the time.
LADY: Yeah that’s right… {they go from fast waltz to slow sensual grind] …Is this better?
GENT: Yeah like much better… [grinds harder] ….hey baby, like when is we supposed to be getting evicted?
LADY: Like any day now, like maybe that is the landlord trying to evict us by phone, man.
Ringing stops.
GENT: Wow, it stop ringing man, like too bad. I was really digging the ringing. Like we gotta stop grinding now so people don’t think we is bananas dancing when the telephone ain’t ringing, baby.
LADY: Yeah, like I guess we should sit & get blind.
They slap each other five & sit down.
GENT: My dear, I think we should discontinue emulating the despondent. It’s alot of fun but it’s also depressing as hell.
LADY: That’s cool with me, man.
GENT: Pass me the bottle so I can pour us a drink like civilized people.
LADY: Hey man, like this ain’t got nothing in it anymore.
GENT: I will get us some more champagne, my dear.
LADY: Cool.
GENT: Stop expressing yourself like an imbecile. We are no longer emulating the despondent, my dearest.
He walks over to the bathtub, fills the bottle from the faucet.
LADY: Wow, like more champagne, far out, let’s get totally wasted.
GENT: Dear, you are getting on my nerves already with that despicable slang. Stop it or else you will have to keep drinking from the bottle.
Loud knocking is heard.
LADY: [rises] Like I’ll go see who like is there, man.
GENT: [visibly upset] Sit down! We are not here! We are in Europe vacationing. And for the last time stop talking like a mental retard!
LADY: [sits back down] You know something man, like it reall ybe nice if we were like actually in Europe.
GENT: We are actually in Europe!
Knocking stops.
LADY: Yeah, like I know that but, I mean like if we were nowhere else BUT Europe, dig it?
GENT: You are so dumb, how can we be in two places at the same time? Of course we are nowhere else but Europe!! No more champagne for you baby. [upset for using the word baby] See, now you have me talking like that! I am not going to warn you again, discontinue that desititute jargon. Like we, I mean we are in a foriegn ountry & we have to make an intelligent expression, I mean impression… listen dammit! Just cut it out already. Nobody here speaks that way.
LADY: Man, like I’m sure they have some poverty stricken dudes here who like to express themselves in a hip manner.
GENT: There is nothing HIP about being stupid. You are either intelligent or ignorant. I shoudl tape the way your are expressing yourself so you can hear how extremely idiotic you sound.
LADY: Yeah man, that sounds like a groovy idea. Yeah, let’s record it, man.
GENT: Definitely not! I am not going to waste good tape on terrible slang.
LADY: Come on man, let’s like re-cord, dig it!
GENT: [whispering] …Stop talking like that. People are beginning to stare disdainfully.
LADY: Like if this is really Euorpe, they ain’t gonna understand anything we say, dig?
GENT: Yes they can. They speak many languages. That’s what makes them Europeans & not Americans.
LADY: Man, like we should split from Europe already. This vacation is becoming a drag. Like there is absolutely nothing for us to do on this head trip but pretend to be affluent, man.
GENT: [rises, speaks directly to her] We are not pretending to be affluent! We are affluent! And we are not due back from Europe until the middle of next week! So stop fussing & enjoy your vacation & STOP talking like you were a resident of a depraved community! And furthermore this is not a head trip we are, this is an actual trip we took! [Sits back down.]
LADY: Sure man, pour me another drink.
GENT: Absolutely not. You have had too much to drink already. That is why your think we are no longer in Europe. And that is also the reason why you can’t seem to stop talking like a moron! So I strongly suggest your keep your mouth shut until you sober up because somebody might hear you speaking in that despicable manner & think we are here to hold up the establishment. [Pours himself a drink.]
LADY: Man, I sure could use something to eat. Like I’m starving.
GENT: You already ate once today. Tomorrow you will eat again. We can’t be eating everything in one day, we still have a whole week ahead of us in Europe. Everything is measured out. There will be no inbetween meals on this vacation.
LADY: Man, but I thought you said we were affluent, dig? Ain’t we supposed to be dining out?
GENT: [Rises, smacks her across the face] I told you to keep your mouth shut if you can’t speak like an educated civilized human being! Now don’t use another slang or I’ll smack you across the face again.
LADY: Wow that was really painful.
He smacks her across the face a few times. She doesn’t blink an eyelid or make an attempt to defend herself.
GENT: Stop it! …[Speaking as he is smacking her] …stop it right this minute or I will cut your vacation short & send you back to New York by yourself! We are in Europe, not the South Bronx! People here don’t bastardize the English language or any other language that they fluently speak!
LADY: Okay, Okay, I’ll make a deal with you. If you let me eat tomorrow’s meal today & the next day’s meal tomorrow, I will speak as correctly as you want me to speak. It’s impossible for me to be articulate on an empty stomach.
GENT: Absolutely not! Everything has been rationed until we return from our vacation… [Sits down]
LADY: Okay then, cut my vacation short. I’ve had enough of this pretending to be rich nonsense. Drinking all that bathwater has made me very hungry & I would like something to eat right now or else I am going to pass out.
GENT: This is not bathwater, this is expensive champagne we are drinking! And for the last time you will eat tomorrow when I eat, not any sooner! And don’t you ever say again I am pretending to be rich! I don’t have to pretend! I have a maid, a butler, & a chauffeur!
LADY: Yes, that you pay from our welfare check. That’s why there’s nevr anything to eat around here. All our money goes on servants who don’t serve us anything because we don’t have anything for them to serve us. There is absolutely nothing for them to do around here. That is why the maid is always jerking off & the butler is always scratching his balls & the chauffeur stares at four blank walls all day long in this closet isze apartment that used to be a toilet & still is a toilet & will always be a toilet! Get rid of the servants so we can move into a bigger place & enjoy a balanced diet!
GENT: Quiet! I don’t want to hear anymore of your nonsense. For your information I do not pay the servants minimum wages. I pay them below average wages & there is nobody they can complain to because they are illegal aliens. They have no fringe benefits with me at all. Should they miss a day of work they will not get paid. Nor will they get paid time an’ a half should they work overtime or on holidays!
LADY: We don’t need them. There is nothing for them to do around here. Why do we need a chauffeur when we don’t even own a car to be chauffeured around in?
GENT: All rich people have chauffeurs whether they own a car or not. It is a tradition that has been passed down through the generations of the upper classes. If we didn’t have a chauffeur nobody would ever believe we were affluent.
LADY: I don’t believe it either… [rises, walks as she speaks] …I’m fed up with pretending to be in Europe when the truth is we haven’t left the South Bronx since we moved into this damned toilet! I’m fed up with pretending to be somebody I’m totally unfamiliar with. It’s driving me razy. If the phone rings or someone knocks on the door we can’t answer either one because you want everyone to believe that we are on vacation in Europe. Lord knows how many weddings & funerals we missed for being & not being here. Why don’t you just accept the fact that you are not rich & get yourself a full-time job?
GENT: Stop complaining so much or else I am not going to let your drink champagne in fancy restaurants with me anymore.
LADY: Stop deceiving yourself. This isn’t no fancy restaurant & you know it! And this this fucking bathwater we are drinking from a champagne bottle you found in a gutter somewhere.
GENT: Lower your voice! Don’t talk so the whole building can hear you. Do you want the neighbors to think we never left for Europe?
LADY: Well, we never did leave for Europe or any other place. We don’t even know what Staten Island looks like, nevermind a foriegn country.
GENT: [rises] As fasr as you & everybody else is concerned at this precise moment you & I are vacationing in Europe & won’t be back until the middle of next week when our maid & butler & chauffeur return from their unpaid vacation so we won’t have to serve ourselves or be burdened with doing domestic work around here! [sits back down]
LADY: Oh, stop being so unrealistic! Nobody believes we are in Europe anyway. That’s why we keep receiving phone calls & people keep banging on the door. You aren’t fooling anyone but yourself & making life completely miserable for me. If you want to be rich you have to try to get rich, not just pretend you are rich.
GENT: I knew I should have married someone from my own upper class environment & social standards. It was a mistake to think I could educate you into becoming sophisticated & distinguished.
LADY: Listen to yourself speak, you have really convinced yourself of this foolishness of being an aristocrat… [slight pause] …excuse me, I have to take a shit… [walks to toilet]
GENT: Be sure not to flush the toilet when you are through. You know how sound travels in a tenement building. Someone is bound to hear it & spread the word that we lied about going to Europe.
LADY: [lifts up her dress; isn’t wearing underpants; sits on toilet] This toilet hasn’t been flushed since the first day of our imaginary European trip a few weeks ago. The smell is unbearable. I am going to flush it already.
GENT: Why don’t you be sensible? If you flush the damn toilet we are going to have to walk with our heads down when we return from our vacation because everyone will know we never left this apartment. I strongly suggest you DON’T FLUSH the toilet!
LADY: [farts loudly] Ahhh… Ahhh… [moving her bowels] Ahhh…
GENT: Will you stop farting so loudly for shit’s sake! Someone is bound to hear you. Move your bowels like an aristocrat, not like a welfare recipient. That is precisely the reason why you shouldn’t eat so much on this vacation, because the more you eat the more you have to move your goddamn noisy bowels & put our honor & integrity in jeopardy around here.
LADY: The rich don’t shit any better than the poor. More maybe, but the sounds & odors are identical… Ahh.. Ahhhh… [farts] …Oooh
GENT: Dammit! Keep the noise down or stop what you’re doing right this minute! I haven’t pretended to be rich & successful all these years, convincing all my neighbors of my wealth to have you mess up everything in a matter of seconds. Now I’m warning you, one more loud fart from you & you will have to get up off the toilet regardless of whether you are through or not!
LADY: At what age did you lose grips with reality? Or were you always this way? What happened in your life that has made you refuse to accept the circumstances of your existence? If you are poor you should try to improve your situation, not pretend that you aren’t poor. That is not going to solve any problems for you.
GENT: If only you knew how mentally gratifying it is to pretend you have no problems in the world. You could also be rich & influential like myself & not fart so loud when you move your bowels. [another loud fart is heard] Okay, that’s it! Get up, it’s getting too risky. That last fart you laid was probably heard through the entire building. Come on, get up, now!
LADY: I am not through yet.
GENT: As far as I’m concerned you are. Now get up or I will get you up!
LADY: Calm down for crying out loud… [bends over to pickup toilet paper off the floor]
GENT: I prohibit you from moving your bowels again until we return from our vacation!
The LADY wipes herself. Start to pull the chain when she is through but is stopped by the GENT who leas from his chair & rushes over to the toilet to prevent her from flushing it. He knocks her off the toilet seat.
LADY: This goddamn nonsense has gone far enough! [rises from the floor, removes a blond wig from her head, throws it on the floor] I am through playing your dumb games.
GENT: Put that wig back on before someone see you & finds out you aren’t a real blonde!
LADY: I NEVER WANTED TO BE A REAL OR A FALSE BLONDE! I’M BLACK!
Knocking is briefly heard.
GENT: Why did you have to shout like that for? Now someone knows we are not in Europe.
LADY: Good, then I can finally flush this awful toilet.
GENT: No you don’t. Leave the toilet alone! If we keep our voices low whoever heard us will probably think they are hearing things. So don’t raise your voice again in this fancy restaurant. The French are going to think that Americans don’t know how to act in public. Sit down & act sophisticated.
LADY: I’m going outside, I want to breathe some fresh air, even though I know that’s quite impossible to do in the South Bronx. But I’m sure it doesn’t smell as bad in here.
GENT: If you leave you cannot come back in here until I return from Europe in a week. I suggest you stay right where you are, dear. You know how dangerous it is out there. I predict you will get mugged & raped & murdered & set on fire to destroy the evidence. You are safer here in Paris among the decent & the civilized. Will you sit down already! The waiters are going to think you are leaving.
LADY: I haven’t seen the streets in a few weeks. I can’t tolerate this cramped up space any longer. There’s nothing to do here but pretend we aren’t here while staring at four blank walls. We don’t even have a window to look out of in this toilet size apartment. I need a desperate change of scenery or else I’m going to snap!
GENT: Sit down, you are attracting attention arguing like this. Everyone has eyes on us. You are giving America a bad reputation conducting yourself in such a ludicrous manner. Sit! [pours himself a drink]
LADY: [sits] I don’t know how much longer I can tolerate living like this. We are so damn broke we have to wait for the phone to ring so we can dance because we can’t even afford a third-hand stereo.
GENT: Complain all you want, but you know you can never deny the fact that we are the only tenants in this building with servants. You have’t had to wash a dish since yu moved in with me or vacuum the floor or do the alundry around here! Right? of course I’m right! Now had you gotten involved with someone else you wouldn’t be living so comfortable & taking vacations to Europe.
LADY: There are no dishes around here to wash. Our meals for the past few years have consisted of pizzas or frankfurters or shitty shishkebab on a stick.
Frantic knocking is heard.
— Help me! Someone, help me! There is a man in here comping after me to rape me!! Please somebody helpppp me… HELLLLLPPP!!!
It is the exact same voice as the LADY.
— Shut up & enjoy it bitch, I don’t want to hurt you but if I have to I will!
It’s the exact voice of the GENT.
LADY: [startled] Answer the door, a woman is about to get raped!
GENT: I can’t, we are not here. We are in Europe.
The LADY outside lets out a scream.
LADY: A woman is being raped! We can’t just sit here & pretend not to be here… [rises] …come on let’s help her before that scum kills her!
GENT: Sit the hell back down. If we go & help her everyone is going to know we are not in Europe.
— RAPE! RAPE! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!
— SHUTUP AND ENJOY IT, BITCH! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET THIS OPPORTUNITY AGAIN!
— OH NO, LEAVE ME ALONE! HELLLLLPP!!
— DON’T RESIST IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET HURT! STOP SCRATCHING ME YOU STUPID BITCH!
The rapist is heard beating her up.
LADY: He’s going to kill her! Come on let’s help that poor woman… [Rushes towards the door]
GENT: Don’t you dare open that door… [rises] …Come back & sit down!
LADY: We have to help her… [starts to open door]
GENT: NO! …[rushes over to her & prevents her from opening the door] …sit your ass back down, now!
— RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
— AHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHHHH!!
— RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
— OHHH OHHH OHHHHHHHH!!
LADY: You goddamn coward!
GENT: Calm down. She’ll start enjoying it any minute now. Let’s sit down before the waiters think we are leaving & give our table to someone else.
— HELP ME SOMEONE … HELP ME PLEASE
— oooooooooooooooooo
— OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME
— OH BABY OHHHHHHH…
LADY: What if that was me out there, huh? What if someone was raping me & I was pleading for help?
GENT: I said sit back down… [grabs her arm] …before they give our table to someone else… [leads her to her seat & sits her down] …You don’t ever have to worry about getting raped. [sits] …we have a chauffeur to accompany you wherever you go when it isn’t possible for me to accompany you. Chauffeurs just don’t drive limosines.
The rape victim lets out a loud scream. Her assailant is heard running down the stairs. The victim whimpers & cries & faints.
LADY: [tearfully] He probably killed the poor woman.
GENT: Stop crying, it wasn’t your mother.
LADY: You’re a real cold bastard. That’s it, I’m back from Europe! And the first thing I am going to do is flush that stank ass toilet, & then I am going outside to see if that poor helpless woman is still alive… [rises] …you can stay in Europe by yourself!
GENT: Sit down! We are still in Europe!
LADY: We were never in Europe!
GENT: [rises, looks directly at her] I am fed up with your goddamn ghetto mentality. I am never going to pretend again that I am poor with you. You can’t seem to get out of character when we are through pretending.
LADY: [looking directly at him] We aren’t all as fortunate as you whose mind lives in the suburbs while his body rots in the slums!
GENT: You have no one to blame but yourself with your limited attention span. God knows how many times I have tried to explain to you what a rewarding experience pretending to be rich is, but because of your inability to listen for no longer than a matter of seconds you haven’t understood anything I’ve explained to you.
LADY: Pretending to be rich is dumb, not rewarding!
GENT: Be quiet & make a sincere effort to pay close attention to what I’m saying so you can end up in Europe, where we are on vacation righ tnow! [clears his throat to continue lecturing] Okay, now when an individual selects to pretend to be rich instead of to be poor it indicates a superior level of comprehension of that is essential to obtain intellectual & material fulfillment. Now think, or try to think… You are the pleasure of your pleasures & the misery of your miseries! Doesn’t that make sense? Of course it does! We may not be able to decide when we die but we can decide inbetween the time we are born & the time we die how well off or bad off we want to pretend that we are!
Remains motionless, arm & lecturing forefinger suspended in midair. Voices are heard from outside. A mugging is about to take place.
— Your money or your life!
— Don’t point that gun at me, I’ll give you anything you want, please don’t hurt me.
— Just hand over the money, okay lady?
Both are the voices of the LADY & GENT.
— Give me that goddamn purse, lady!
— Please stop pointing that gun at me, it’s making me too nervous. I can’t think straight, I’m trembling too much to hear anything you are saying.
— Give me that godddamn purse, dammit!
— Give me back my purse you theif!
LADY: [speaking but not moving] Great. Now a woman is being robbed at gunpoint! Let’s call the police before it’s too late, come on, move!
GENT: [also speaking but not moving] That is out of the question, if we get involved we will end up getting ridiculed. She shouldn’t resist, she probably isn’t carrying enough money to risk losing her life for, living in this dump.
— Get your hands off me, lady!
— I WANT MY PURSE BACK! I WANT IT BACK! KEEP THE MONEY JUST LET ME HAVE MY ID! I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO GO TO THE DMV FOR A REPLACEMENT!
— Get off me, lady, this gun is loaded!
— Why didn’t you say that in the first place?! You could have seriously wounded me!
LADY: [motionless] What if that was your mother?
GENT: [motionless] Nobody gets mugged in heaven.
— What is that you got on your finger, lady?
— My wedding ring, & you can’t have it! My husband will not sleep with me again if I let someone rob me of this ring!
— I don’t give a damn, hand over the ring!
— I will not & that is final!
The LADY & GENT will speaking without moving until further notice. His lecturing finger remains suspended in midair.
LADY: Give up the ring, sister. It’s probably not worth anything anyway. Your life is more precious than that damn ring, sister, give it up…
GENT: She better not if she wants her husband to ever sleep with her again.
— Remove that ring, lady!
— Definitely not! You can rob my purse & my money, but not my wedding ring!
— Lady don’t be stupid, give me that goddamn ring, this gun is loaded!
— You are repeating yourself. Be content with what you already have & leave me & my ring alone!
— Your husband can get you another one!
— No he can’t, he isn’t working right now.
LADY: That’s why you should give up the ring!
GENT: Resist sister, resist! Don’t let your husband down, hang onto that ring!
A gunshot is heard.
LADY: [hysterical but not moving] He shot her! He shot that defenseless woman!
GENT: She died honorably… [brings down finger, is able to move again] Let me elaborate: The man only pretended to shoot that woman & the woman only pretended to die. The same way you are pretending not to move… [she moves on hearing that statement] …Now you are pretending to move. It is as simple as that.
LADY: A woman just got killed outside your door because you refused to call the cops, & you don’t even feel guilty about it?
GENT: I have better things to pretend about. And why should I feel guilty? I didn’t pretend to pull the trigger. Besides, even if I had pretended to call the police they would never have pretended to arrive in a neighborhood such as ours in enough of a timely manner to prevent the crime. Furthermore she had a choice. And I personally think she made a wise decision.
LADY: She made no decision at all! She was a victim of the lowest most vicious uncivilized cowardly slimy disgusting human creep on earth! Just like that poor woman who was raped not too long ago in the same corridor outside our door.
GENT: She would have resisted if she really felt she was going to get raped. Not everyone is as dumb as you are. That woman knew that man was only pretending to rape her, that’s why she pretended to panic. It’s called roleplay. Don’t you understand anything.
LADY: Yes, I understand something, I understand that you are the most cowardly person I have ever met in my life. I undertand that you are in desperate need of psychiatric treatment. Anyone who doesn’t respond to a frantic plea for help from a woman being raped & brutalized because they are too busy pretending to be in a forieng country belongs in an insane asylum.
GENT: Drop the subject already. You are acting as if you were the one who was just raped.
LADY: When one woman is raped all women are raped!
GENT: That’s the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard anyone make. [pours drink]
LADY: That’s all you ever think about, the next drink & the one after that. People get robbed, raped & killed & it doesn’t matter to you as long as you have a drink in your hand. You disgust me. I’m leaving & this time I mean it.
GENT: If you walk out that door you will just end up back here again. There is nowhere else to go but here. IF you leave or stay you are going to smell the smae shit you are smelling righ tnow. Life is a toilet & all we ever do is go from one toilet to the next. We can only pretend to be somewhere else!
LADY: That bathwater has really damaged your mind. You aren’t making any sense whatsoever.
GENT: Let me elaborate to settle this once & for all. [rises, clears thoat, takes drink] … Okay… The reason we keep having wars is because wars are just being pretended to be fought. The winners pretend to win & the losers pretend to lose, therefor wars are not really fought at all, that’s the reason why we will always be at war! ….[The LADY attempts to sneak a drink from the bottle but is caught] …Put that bottle down, you can’t control your liquor.
LADY: It’s not liquor, but there is… something intoxicating in this bathwater. Besides, I am only pretending to be drinking… [she takes a drink from the bottle]
GENT: [takes bottle away] No you are not, you don’t know how to pretend! You admitted so yourself, remember? I was trying to explain everything to you, but like always you got distracted in a matter of seconds… [pours himself a glass, drinks it] Before you got distracted… I was about to explain to you how when I say to you “You look fantastic” & you reply to me that I look “fantasticker” we are not saying anything complimentary to each other because we are just pretending to talk but not actually saying anything. Not that I don’t mean anything when I say to you “You look wonderful” & you reply that I look “wonderfuller,” it isn’t just an empty remark & it is just an empty remark because if you were paying attention I wouldn’t have to repeat what I am going to say but since I’m positively sure that you wasn’t I will repeat it again: We just pretend to talk but we are not actually saying anything! To substantiate what I just stated, take for instance when I say “You look astonishing” & you reply that I look, in fact, “astonishingshinger,” we are not being repetitive, we are being original because there is no such words as astonishingshinger! But since we are talking & not saying anything, that word & every other word that doesn’t make any sense is acceptable in lone & short conversations… [pours drink] … Take another example: Every time we are about to order we never order because we aren’t really hungry, we are just pretending to be hungry… [notices the LADY has fallen asleep; raises his voice] IF WE WERE REALLY HUNGRY WE WOULD ORDER BUT SINCE WE AREN’T REALLY HUNGRY WE DON’T ORDER & EVEN IF WE WERE REALLY HUNGRY WE WOULDN’T ORDER BECAUSE WE ARE ONLY PRETENDING! THEREFOR WE DIDN’T COME HERE TO ORDER ANYTHING AT ALL!
LADY: [wakes up] The reason we don’t order when we order is because we can only afford the water & not the order!
Gunshots are heard. The GENTLEMAN drinks what’s left in his glass, then hides under the table with the bottle. The LADY remains standing.
LADY: Why are you hiding? You aren’t a threat to anyone but yourself.
GENT: THE REASON SOME PEOPLES PROBLEM S ARE NEVER GOING TO END IS BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO PRETEND THAT THEY HAVE NO PROBLEMS. THEY ARE IGNORANT TO THE FACT THAT FROM THE WOMB TO THE TOMB WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO BUT PRETEND & ANY INTELLIGENT PERSON WILL PRETEND TO BE VERY RICH! [shooting continues]
LADY: Stop hiding under the table, nobody is after you.
GENT: The A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. have vowed to gun down the ruling class wherever they catch them. I can’t afford to get careless.
LADY: There is no such terrorist group. The A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. is another one of your wild lies to feel important & insecure about your existence. Those gunshots you hear come from a friendly neighborhood argument, not guerilla warfare. You fabricate your own paranoia to make your fantasy of affluence more convincing to yourself. No terrorist group comes gunning for the ruling classes in a low class neighborhood unless they are subsidized by the federal goverment… [shooting stops]
GENT: The A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. isn’t a figment of my imagination. They are an enemy of the ruling class who want to bring about social change by violent revolution. They have taken credits for acts of sabotage all over the world. Be we will eventually crush them, subversive scatterbrains always end up as fatal casualities of their own redundant insidious obnoxious radical cliches.
LADY: Come up from under the table, the shooting stopped already.
GENT: Is the coast clear?
LADY: The coast stays clear here. It’s too small for anyone else to fit in.
GENT: [cautiously rises, bottle still in hand] That was close… [wipes sweat off forehead] …Europe is no longer a safe place to vacation!
Someone is heard trying to force his way into the apartment by kicking the door. The GENT hides back under the table.
GENT: IT’S THE A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.!! They found me!
LADY: Don’t hide, protect me! Someone is breaking into our apartment, they are probably armed & dangerous, we have to defend ourselves, there is nowhere to run & hide here.
GENT: Take cover with me, they might not see us. Hurry, get under the table, there’s no time to waste! The A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. doesnt take any prisoners alive. You wil be killed if we are caught.
LADY: It’s probably just one burglar; we can overpower him together. Come on, stand up & defend yourself!
The voices of a man & woman, same as LADY & GENT, are heard outside.
— Hey man, like what are you doing?
— Breaking into this apartment to burglarize it, baby. And like you are supposed to make sure the coast is clear so we don’t get busted, dig?
— But like you ain’t gonna cop nothing in there, man, that’s the hallway toilet. Can’t you smell it? Like it stinks real bad in there, man.
— Damn abby, you is right, it stinks worse than shit in there… phew! Let’s rob another pad.
Footsteps are heard walking away.
LADY: I never thought that not flushing the tilet would someday save our life. Come on, get up from under the table & pass me the bottle so I can take a drink.
GENT: [cautiously rises] It looks like I am going to have to arm my servants. Terrorism seems to be getting out of hand, & nothing is being done about it.
LADY: Pass the bottle, please.
GENT: You are not drinking anymore tonight.
LADY: Then I am not staying here, either.
GENT: You lower class people can’t function unless you are under the influence of alcohol.
LADY: Look who’s talking.
GENT: I am a social drinker, not a compulsive one.
LADY: I swear to god, you are really out of your mind.
GENT: You cannot swear to god, you can only pretend to swear to god because god is not god but just pretending to be god.
LADY: [angry, smacks his face] How dare you say there is no god, you atheist!
GENT: Because you only pretend to smak me I will not violently smack you back… [pours himself a drink, makes a toast to the LADY without a drink in her hand] …cheer u dear, you can drink tomorrow if you exercise moderation.
LADY: [runs over to toiler, grabs chain] If you don’t give me a drink I’ll flush the toilet a few times so the neighbors know we are not on vacation in Europe but still here in the pits of our higher expectations of life.
GENT: [brings a can on mace out of his jacket, rises, aims it at her] Get away from that toilet or I will spray you with this can of Mace! I will make a mess out of your face with this mace!
LADY: [startled, releases chain] You are really fucked, you know that?
GENT: There is nothing I won’t do to protect my reputation.
LADY: You mean your imagination, not your reputation. Everyone knows what a pathological liar you are except yourself… [moves away from toilet] …you know something? Even though we have been living together for a long time I know nothing at all about you, not even your name. And you know less than that about me. Isn’t that rather peculiar? You & I are total strangers to each other.
GENT: There is nothing I know about anybody! …[sits]
LADY: I don’t know if you coined that phrase or not but you most definitely are practicing it. I don’t know your mother, I don’t know your father, sisters or brothers or cousins if any. I don’t know how old you are or on what month your birthday falls. I don’t know if you are black or white or Hispanic or Oriental! All I know about you is that you are the man who pretends to be rich all the goddamn time & refuses to get a job or let me get a job because rich people don’t work so I must go on welfare… [faces audience] …because he is rich & won’t go near there. But he certainly does not object to spending my welfare check on dumb servants & cheap wine to refill with bathwater when we run out & stays amusing himself by pretending to be poor which he really is but won’t admit to himself!!!
GENT: Your problem, my dear lady, is that you are troubled by your inability to feel socially adequate among the elite. You feel that all the customers in this fancy restaurant have a low opinion about you… [puts mace back in jacket pocket]
LADY: I wasn’t always a waitress & you didn’t always meet me for the first time in a bus terminal cafeteria in the mid-January of our careers… [walks as she reminisces] …You were about to leave town but never left. Night after night you did this. Soon you were asking for farewell kisses from me. I obliged becuase though you were lying to me about everything regardless how petty, I was impressed at the way you believed everything you lied about.
GENT: [sits down, pours drink] I left town every time I said I was leaving.
LADY: You had no way of telling that I wasn’t always a waitress. I did my job so well. It seemed as if I had been working there for the past eleven years. You reall had no way of knowing it was actually 5 & a half years I had been employed at the bus terminal cafeteria… Before that I was a department store cashier with full honors for three years. There isn’t really much to say about that job aside from the fact that I loved it. There was never anything different or exciting to do on the job in that department store. Oh you had no way of guessing that before I became involved in cashier work which led me to be a punctual waitress content with my job, I was a chiclet chewing filter tip smoking receptionist at the Department of Social Services, very popular & well-liked by my coworkers. That was the first job I ever had in my life. I was also there for three years… [She stops reminiscing, walks over to the table, picks up her glass to be poured a drink. The GENT ignores her. She puts the drinking glass down. Stares directly at him.] IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW EMBARRASSED I FEEL EVERY TIME I HAVE TO FACE MY EX CO-WORKERS AT THE DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL SERVICES EVERY TIME I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH MY WELFARE INVESTIGATOR TO KEEP THE WELFARE CHECKS COMING INTO OUR MISERABLE LIVES THAT SMELL WORSE THAN SHIT!!!
GENT: Oh, stop using profane language in this fancy restaurant & lower your voice before someone finds out this apartment isn’t empty. I shoudl never have invited you to come to Europe with me. You are spoiling my vacation.
LADY: You don’t have to worry about anyone finding out if this apartment is empty or not. There is nothing in here anyway, not even us. Not because we are in Europe, but because we are nobody! Understand? NOBODY! Like every other poor slob in this shit hold where roaches are the majority.
GENT: What I should do is inject you with a dosage of sodium pentothal so you can start telling the truth about how economically well off we are.
Loud knocking is heard. A LADY with the same voice of the LADY inside speaks outside.
— Come out of the toilet already! Other people have to use it! [continues knocking]
— Come on out, goddamnit! I have been waiting since this morning to take a shit! The toilet doesn’t belong to you, everyone on this floor has access to it!
The LADY inside begins to say something. The GENT motions for her to remain silent. The knocking continues.
— I’m gonna keep knocking til you come out of the damn toilet!
A GENT with the same voice of the GENT inside speaks outside.
— Lady, I am afraid you are wasting your time. There is no one in there, & that is no longer the hallway toilet. The landlord has rented to this millionaire couple who on on vacation in Europe right now.
— [stops knocking] Then what the hell are we supposed to do when we have to take a shit now?
— Use the toilet the floor above or the floor below from now on. How come you haven’t known about this yet? It’s been quite a while now.
— I was in mourning for a year. My husband died. It is against my religion to use the toilet when in mourning.
— What religion is that?
— Catholic. The real Catholics… Wait, why would millionaires want to live in there for?
— Because of the low rent they are paying for an ex-hallway toilet. You know what cheap bastards millionaires are.
— They are probably on welfare like everyone else in this building. No rich person is going to live in an ex-hallway toilet.
— Rich people stay rich because they live in ex-hallway toilets & poor people are poor because they live in mansions in the sky.
— They ain’t rich. I never seen their limosine.
— Neither have I. But I have seen their maid & butler & chauffeur. They probably don’t park their limosine around this neighborhood. It would get robbed immediately.
— Damn conditions are bad enough. And now we can’t even use the toilet on our own floor?
Couple outside are heard walking away. The telephone rings.
LADY: [rises] I am answering the phone. It could be an emergency.
GENT: [stops her] You are not answering anything!
LADY: Something could be wrong with my mother!
GENT: If it’s anything really serious they will send us a telegram.
LADY: Please let me answer the phone, my mother hasn’t been feeling too well lately.
GENT: She looked okay to me before we left on our vacation. Just let the phone ring. Whoever it is will soon realize we aren’t home. Now I want you to sit down & pretend we are going to order something before we are asked to leave this fancy restaurant.
The phone stops ringing.
LADY: Stop pretending! You are driving me crazy! I can’t take it anymore. None of this makes any sense. You are a sick person. I am about to throw up. God what did I ever do to deserve this terrible fate?
GENT: [stands in front of her] Listen you, when we first met you know I was into pretending I was affluent & it didn’t seem to annoy you any. You pretended along with me. We had some really great times together pretending we were doing things we couldn’t afford to do. We visited so many foriegn countries, are in the best restaurants & rubbed shoulders with some of the richest people in the world. Why are you complaining now?
LADY: I only pretended with you because I thought that sooner or later you will realize how dumb & foolish it is to pretend you are who you aren’t & get yourself a job.
GENT: I don’t have to get a job. I receive a monthly inheritance check to support you & me with.
LADY: That isn’t an inheritance check, that is a welfare check we receive in the mail which you spend on domestic help we don’t need to make a good impression on the neighbors we never speak to.
GENT: I seriously think you should never drink again. Sit down & take it easy so you can start making sense again. Come on dear, have a seat.
They both sit down.
LADY: Why don’t you let me get a job if you are dead set against getting one yourself? It will make things around here less comlicated for us.
GENT: No lady of mine works. It is untraditional & against the standards of the upper class.
LADY: We are not upper class, we are poor slobs!
GENT: If you want to pretend you are poor, you can do it by yourself. I am going to continue pretending I am rich as long as I am alive & well enough to pretend because it is more intersting to pretend you are rich than to pretend you are poor. It makes life exciting & more bearable. If I were to pretend I was poor I wold be self-destructive & miserable. But now, pretending to be rich makes you want to live forever because you never knwo when the day will come that you no longer have to pretend you are rich & actually are rich.
LADY: And how will you get rich if you aren’t willing to do anything to strike it rich? You won’t even play a number or bet on horses.
GENT: If you pretend hard enough for long enough something will happen. I don’t know what but I do know that something will eventually happen.
LADY: Is god going to make us rich? Is that what you are waiting for, a divine miracle to occur so we can flush the toilet on our vacation?
GENT: You seem to keep forgetting that I am the one who coined the phrase: The Masses Are Asses! Doesn’t that explain anything to you at all?
LADY: Yes, it sure does. It lets me know what a low opinion you have of yourself, & what a scatterbrain you are. You have pretended so much that you don’t know where you are coming from anymore. You have forgotten your past & present & cannot forsee any future in your future. Who are you anyway? Why don’t you tell me something about yourself so I can know what the problem is & attempt to assist you in solving it?
GENT: I am a very rich man without a single problem in the world!
LADY: Why don’t you stop trying to impress me? You know it doesn’t matter to me. My need to always be with you transcends any standard of living., high or low or inbetween. I am just interested in knowing who you are, not who you wish you were!
GENT: Why are you interested in knowing so much about me? Are you a spy for the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.?
LADY: You see, you aren’t even willing to speak to me unless it’s to play one of your lame brain gmaes. I should have never listened to anything you said. Especially when you told me to quit my job because rich people don’t work. Look at me, I have been wearing the same clothes ever since I got involved with you. And so have you! We even have to sleep with them on because this damn toilet ain’t heated.
GENT: These clothes we wear always look as if they are being worn for the first time. Our butler takes them to the cleaners every Friday evening & returns with the cleaned & ironed Monday morning.
LADY: Oh, that’s something else I’m fed up about. I don’t want to spend my weekends here stark naked pretending to eb in a millionaires nudist colony because the only clothes we ever wear are at the laundry getting fumigated.
Police sirens is heard. Stops abruptly after 10 seconds. Loud knocking is heard.
— Open up! This is the police! There has been a robbery, a rape, & a murder committed in this building. We are questioning everyone. Come on, open up or I will blow the lock with my beloved revolver! Hurry up, open! [same voice as GENT]
LADY: Looks like our vacation is finally over.
— Open up I said! Hurry up or I will shoot my way in & crack your skull with my intimate night stick for resistin’ arrest & assaulting a police officer in the line of duty! Open up goddamnit! [bangs on doo riwth night stick]
GENT: [facing door] officer, there is no one in here. The tenants of this apartment are in Europe on their vacation & won’t be back til the middle of next week.
— [banging stops] Oh, sorry about that folks. You should have put a sign on your door stating that. I had no way of knowing you people weren’t home. Police officers have weapons not psychic powers, you know? Well folks, enjoy your vacation. Sorry for the interruption. [cops leaves, siren briefly heard]
GENT: You see how well I can pretend? I had that cop convinced there was nobody here.
LADY: Cops aren’t too bright to begin with… [rises, walks about a few times] …Listen, if you let me ust flush the toilet once, I’ll stick out for another week, but if you don’t then I have to leave before an epidemic breaks out here. It’s unsanitary & unhealthy not to flush the toilet for such a long period of time.
GENT: You know what will happen if the toilet is flushed. So just change the subject & keep pretending we are in a fancy restaurant. Shall we order now my dear, or shall we order later?
LADY: Okay then, I guess I have to return from europe by myself because I can’t take another minute in here. My guts are about to come puking out of my mouth!
GENT: if that’s your decision then that is your decision. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you get raped & mugged & murdered & set on fire to destroy the evidence in theose crime & drug infested streets of the South Bronx. I am not responsible for your safety outside of Paris. I cannot come to your defense from a forieng country.
LADY: I will have to take that risk.
GENT: I won’t sleep with you again if you get raped & murdered! Take my word for ti!
LADY: You aren’t the only necrophiliac in this world.
GENT: Why don’t you just sit down & behave the way you behaved the first day we met & you thought I was really rich & not just pretending to be rich. Remember how agreeable & compromising you were? You believed anything I told you then.
LADY: Yes, I believed everything, up until you started talking to your wristwatch, claiming it was a two-way short-wave radio for VIP’s. I didn’t take anything you said serious after that.
GENT: Yes you did. You went along for the ride & you haven’t gotten off yet. You are still in the front seat & I’m still behind the steering wheel.
LADY: You keep thinking that… [walks to the bathtub, bends over to get an old fur coat. Puts it on] …You just keep thinking that… [walks to a glass mirror on the wall behind the bathtub. Brings out a stick of lipstick from coat pocket, applies to her lips] …You’ll see how wrong you are… [walks to the door, grabs doorknob] Goodbye!!
GENT: Make sure the coast is clear before you walk out the door so none of the neighbors ee you.
LADY: So you’d rather smell shit than to be with me.
GENT: I don’t smell anything.
LADY: Because you are pretending not to.
GENT: You can do the same.
LADY: No I can’t. I have a weak stomach. Goodbye… [makes no attempt to leave] …See you when you get back from Europe if I am still available.
GENT: If you are or if you aren’t it is not going to stop me from pretending I am rich, bitch!
LADY: Aren’t you going to try to stop me from leaving?
GENT: Absolutely not. I have no use for anyone who cannot pretend they are rich with me. If you want to pretend you are poor you can do it by yourself, I already told you that. Now leave if you are going to leave or stay if you are going to stay because you can’t do both.
LADY: I don’t want to leave you… [returns to table] …Please flush the toilet so I won’t have to leave. [sits down] …Nobody will hear anything.
GENT: I can’t take any chances. You never know who can be spying on us to find out if we are in europe or not. So please be very careful when you leave. Make sure there is nobdoy out there. You have no idea how envious our neighbors are of us & will enthusiastically welcome any oppourtunity to ridicule us.
LADY: Do you smell smoke?
GENT: No, I smell only the rich scent of rich in this place where the affluent congregate.
Smoke starts entering through the cracks on the door of the fancy restaurant or empty apartment. The LADY sniffs a few times, turns her head towards the door, shouts in a sudden unanticipated panic….
LADY: THERE’S A FIRE IN THE BUILDING! [rises]
Loud knocking is heard on the door, a voice, same as LADY, is heard shouting.
— FIRE! FIRE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYBODY!
Verbal panic & physical commotion is heard outside. The fancy restaurant or empty apartment is filling up with smoke.
LADY: Come on, let’s get the hell out of here before we roast to death… [starts coughing as smoke chokes her] …Hurry up, there’s no time to waste… [coughs]
GENT: Sit down & stay put. I’m not going out there & have everyone start laguhing at me, fire or no fire! & stop coughing, someone is bound to hear you!
LADY: [hysterical] We’ll get burned alive if we don’t get out of here!
GENT: And we’ll get ridiculed if we get out of here. So just sit down & keep your mouth shut.
LADY: I don’t want to be burned alive, I’m getting out of here! This toilet isn’t worth dying for…!
She runs for the door, coughing repeatedly. The fancy restuarant or empty apartment is completely filled with smoke. The hysteria outside continues. The GENT stops the LADY from opening the door]
LADY: LET GO OF ME! LET ME OUT OF HERE! I DON’T WANT TO BE BURNED ALIVE! HELP! HELLLLLLP! [COUGHS]
GENT: [struggling with her] If it is god’s will that we are to be burned alive there is nothing that we can do about it!
LADY: YES THERE IS! WE CAN OPEN THE DOOR & GET THE HELL OUT… [coughs] …OUT OF HERE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! LET GO OF MEEEE… [coughs repeatedly]
GENT: Stop acting so ridiculous! It is probably some one’s beans that are burning. And if it isn’t then it’s our destiny & we can’t run away from it now or never. God knows what he is doing. Remember the Titanic!
Sounds of fire engines are heard.
LADY: PLEASE LET GO OF ME! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! LET ME GO YOU GODDAMN LUNATIC! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!
GENT: Calm down! Nothing can happen to us anyway. We’re out of town.
LADY: THIS IS NO TIME TO BE PLAYING GAMES… THE BUILDING IS BURNING DOWN… [makes a desperate effort to release herself from his grip. They fall on the floor together. She continues coughing repeatedly]
GENT: If our number if up, what we should be doing is having one last drink & making one last toast to the resourceful life we spend together. Unlike poor people, we don’t have to be afraid to die. God was generous to us. We never had any financial problems on earth. If he wants us now we should go without any regrets.
She coughed through everything he said & continues to cough. Loud knocking is heard on the door. A man’s vice is heard, same as the GENT’S.
— You can stop worrying folks, the fire is under control. It was just a pot of beans burning on the stove.
GENT: Didn’t I told you we had nothing to worry about? Now let’s get up of the floor, dear. There is nothing to worry about anymore. You can stop coughing.
They both rise. He helps her to the table. They sit.
LADY: [still coughing] I need some fresh air, the smoke is choking me. I have to get out of here before I suffocate. I’d rather be laughed at than us be buried.
GENT: Stop taking foolish. The smoke will clear up in a few minutes & everything will go back to normal in this fancy restaurant. Read the menu to take your mind off the smoke so you can pretend to stop coughing.
LADY: Please have mercy on me, I need fresh air to breathe… Please… Please let me go outside.
GENT: Hell no! And stop that goddamn coughing already! Read your menu if you want to feel better… [looks around] …See, the smoke is already clearing up.
LADY: But the smell from the toilet is still here.
GENT: There is nothing we can do about that until next week… [pours himself a drink. Swallows it in one gulp. Pours another.]
LADY: [coughing less] Pour me some champagne, my throat is very dry from inhaling all the smoke.
GENT: Where are we at this precise moment, & what are we doing?
LADY: We are in a toilet in a stinking South Bronx hallway drinking water from a wine bottle, pretending to be rich.
GENT: Then it looks like your throat is going to have to stay dry until you get in touch with reality again.
LADY: Now that the smoke has cleared, the smell of shit is back & it stinks worse than before… I’m going to sleep… Hopefully my dreams will smell better… [rises, walks over to the bathtub, stares at it, returns to table] …Can you pour me some champagne so I can fall asleep quicker? You know what a complicated task it is for an American tourist to sleep in a foriegn country, especially if they are rich.
GENT: Sure… [refills her glass & his] …here you are my dear. Sit down, have a few more drinks so you can sleep soundly & dream about being very very very very very very very very very very rich!
She sits. They toast & drink.
TOGETHER: You know something??
LADY: What?
GENT: You look tremendous.
LADY: You look stupendous.
GENT: You look unpretentious.
LADY: You look industrious.
GENT: You look advantageous.
LADY: You look so fantastic.
GENT: You look so romantic.
LADY: Shall we go to bed now?
GENT: Yes, let’s go to bed now.
They make a 10 second toast. Finish drinking in 9 seconds. Rise in 8 seconds. He blows out the candle in 7 seconds. She picks up her wig in 6 seconds. Puts it on in 5 seconds. He takes her hand in 4 seconds. They walk to the bathtub in 3 seconds. They climb in in 2 seocnds. & disappear in 1 second. They snobbishly clear their throats in zero seconds. Silence is heard.
TOGETHER: You look absolutely incredible!!
Quick Black Out.
interrelevant 